I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
