I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
