In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
