Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
