i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
