I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
