I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
there's paper in my vomit.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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