I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
