sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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