Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
