if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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