I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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