youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
