I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
