I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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