The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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