oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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