Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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