All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
