What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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