shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
