Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
