she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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