Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
