Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
