I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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