They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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