The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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