pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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