And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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