How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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