My underwear smells like fireworks.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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