All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
