i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
