Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
