I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
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So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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