He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
