Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
