My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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