I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
