this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
