My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
