don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
