babies were throwing up all over the place
well you can't waste a boner
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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