I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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