Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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