look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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