Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize