All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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