If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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