burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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