i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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