Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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