i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
