Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
