if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
