Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Two words: blizzard sex
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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