ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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