So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
