I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
